Here I am sitting at my table, drinking my iced coffee, watching a documentary with Charlotte Roche about love in India. And I feel grateful. In this situation feeling grateful is so much more intense and I guess important thus rare. I am very much tearing up a few times a day right now.
What does that mean? Right now is the situation I cannot really give a name – maybe I should. I hate the work I love, right now. Right now, I cannot hear the names of all of the clients I loved working for. Right now, I need to sleep – monday I slept pretty much all day, did not eat and could not feel a thing – but why am I, where I am right now, and how can I change it? Currently I cannot change at all.
I feel like I am in a desert, everything around me looks different but the same, so I do not know where to go, which direction is best. So I turn around, walk three steps one way. But everything is uncomfotably hot and moist, so I get tired after each step and need to sleep and all I want is darkness and cold air. Meeting people is like seeng a plamtree “Oh nice to see you, but cannot talk to you, so I just wander by. I feel so emotional but nothing at all. As you see everything is opposing.
But let´s start
from where I was standing a few months ago. I am a fulltime mom in a leadership role. I live in a wonderfully equal relationship, have the love of my life next to me and the cutest little son. My love is enterpreneur and I work in his agency. We chose to try this, after the agency needed someone with my aims and knowledge and experience and I needed more flexibility, it is a win win situation. The team is just the most wonderful group of humans you can imagine in your work life. All a bit younger than me, but just awesome people. I love it. So how could I get overwhelmed by this company? I can´t figure that our today.
Today is day three of probably two weeks I need to stay at home, cause I just can´t. Today is a wonderful sunny day – but I haven´t left the house (other than bringing my son to the nursery). But today is the day I want to start of by getting deeper into my why and my how. I feel if I don´t find my why and how, I will forever get into the situation, where I get overwhelmed.
So what is the problem with my why and my how? We will see…