It seems I was not capable of writing the last days. I mean I don ´ ´t need to write, but it kinda helps me to get shit out of my system. But I stay silent… But it would also makes me confront myself with my situation and weaknesses and that is exhausting and it is intense. But I stay silent… Having a relationship with a business owner (who has something very important going on every day) AND having a 2,5 y/o is sometimes to much even without the work I usually do 40-50 hours a week. No complaint there, just a fact. I chose this and I am able to change it if I want to (my dilemma there is a whole different story, worth a whole article).
Distraction for more traction
So the last days I found myself binging the Real Housewives of BH and spending hours on the IG. Gosh I hate me for spending my precious time in shit like that, but it seems I needed a thinking timeout. See when you are overly sensitive and over thinking and all this sometimes it seems our heads need just shit to “not-think” about and just relax about the intensity of the own problems. I mean of course it is better to read or do something physically but we all need a numbness break from the world – especially right now. And watching other people have other problems is ideal.
In school the “mean girls” used to talk about you. And to be honest even in adult life I know very less people who resist on making nasty remarks, judge and talk shit about people that are not at the table. I honestly don ´t like it and as tempting as it sometimes is, I just always feel bad for the person. Well both of them. I feel of course for the person that people judge BUT the person that needs to focus on other peoples stuff. I am not an angel, but I do check myself everytime, cause usually it is me having a problem, not wanting to focus on myself.
You are not a judge…
…unless you are a judge. Just a bad joke. In my last 32 years I have very often been the person people talk about and judged. In school it was everything, from my name, my teeth, my clothes. I liked hanging out with guys when I was a teenager, cause they did not care and were interested in music, movies, art and having a good time (yes also physically, but again, who are people to judge). In uni again my best friend was a guy, who was lazy as fuck, but he was chill, did not judge. but people still judged, about my never ending questions in classes ( I was just to lazy to teach myself, I found it clever), about my clothes and my taste in men (well can not blame them, from my view now :D). As an adult I once even got judged, because I was to happy (well my life was a blast at that time). But all those judgmental comments about me (that I know about) do not say a lot about about me. I feel they say a lot about the people they come from. I guess those judgmental comments numbs them from their own problems and needs and keeps them from focussing about themselves.
All good, but…
So good point made there right? Not new, but good. But in the end I tell this to myself so often, like a mantra, because still, every comment I heard about me sticks around, every and each comment. Even the non-verbal comments stick. I told my fiancé the other day I feel like one of those sticky fly traps you hang into your kitchen, when you have to many flies. Well you can say this is something good, cause you get very self reflective. But is every comment worth a thought? I guess no, but my brain has no sieve. I just can not decide if the person is making valid point or not, and even if, if it is important.
Be kind, and if t is hard, be kinder
I think this is a very very important point. When you walk through the world. Every action, every comment, everything you do might hit someone that can not differentiate between a mean bicker, a valid sincere feedback or a mean judgement. So be kind to people, even if they are not, with you. In fact be kinder to mean people, they might need it the most.
I know, I need to become thicker skinned, in order to cope on the long term. But this is a tough journey, cause I still want to be empathetic. I still want to become more humble. but I need to learn that from scratch, cause I just do not know how to do this.