it has only been a few days I have visited a coach with my partner. We like to “declutter” our relationship, remove unwanted behaviour. In our case that is we do not like our fight-behaviour. I mean…who likes to fight, right? But after a few years into the relationship we quite close, probably the closest people for each other. This means we are also the people who are able to touch, trigger, hurt and heal each other the most. And our profound love for each other usually keeps us from hurting each other UNTIL we hit a trigger.
“something that acts like a mechanical trigger in initiating a process or reaction”
Trigger usually is something that is the base of your issue. So if you take the famous picture of the iceberg, it is what lies beneath the water. So for example, one of my main triggers is my fear of losing people I love (usually my significant other due to another girl). So when he says something that I think could be meant as a risk for us – eg: He takes a fight-break – then I will be triggered so hard, I cannot control my behaviour.
We all have those triggers. BUT – and this is important – as soon as all the triggers are on the table, we 1. can try not to hit those buttons all the time and 2. our partner may be more aware that we actually do not want to hit them AND work on themselves.
Another example: When your trigger might be that you feel very guilty all the time and you get offended easily thinking it is all your fault, you might misinterpret, what your partner says. BUT, if both are aware of this, the partner can be a bit more careful on how they say things, AND you can try to not be offended so easily. I think you get the idea 😀
So what should we do?
So after I have now talked a bout my believe on triggers and things that lie deep within ourselves, what should we do? How should we react if someone pushes our buttons? How I actually aim to be independent. Independence that lies within me. Independence on my surrounding. BUT actually this is such a long way until one reaches not untouchability, but emotional independence…