Yesterday was quite an exhausting day. I brought my son to the nursery, drove home, put clothes on, drove to the doctor to get my lick leave, went home, had to sleep, picked up my son from the nursery, went shopping with him, came home prepared dinner, as my Mum and her partner were there and it was my hubbys birthday. Sounds not very exhausting I guess, but it was an enormous loss of energy for me. My future husband is the most supportive man you can imagine. No matter what I am going through, no matter wich idea I have, he stands there points out critical parts of the plan and then goes on like a cheerleader. I know he loves me a lot, I know he supports me and I know him by my side. This is good to start of with.
Change imagination or reality?
The crucial thing about my current situation is I question if what I know is real. So coming back to the start of this post: I do not question my mans love, but I sometimes fear he could just back off, cause it is very complicated to stand there with the most confusing (he says interesting) woman alive? If I just think about it and leave feelings aside, this just not seams to be real (but I will discuss my anxiety of loss at another point). But I mean what is reality in the first place? The Cambridge dictionary says “THE STATE OF THINGS AS THEY ARE, RATHER THAN AS THEY ARE IMAGINED TO BE.” I ´ m sorry what? How the heck should I know, what is imagined and what is real? So I mean, if it is only real, when it is not imagined, what do I know? So all I can rely on is my twisted mind. That is a bummer, cause in situations, in which I am questioning almost everything around me, knowing that most parts of it might not be the way I thought, blows my mind.
Jumping to conclusion, kinda…
But what if this is just a giant chance? So if almost nothing has to be the way it was, I am free to rebuild everything I did not like in a way, I like it. Ok I guess big baby step there. Now the “only” decisions I need to make is to decide, which parts I like and which not. And then I need to decide, how do I want the unliked parts of my live to be? Gosh maybe I should start and writing down which parts I want to change and find a solution for every little bit…gotta think about that now.