When it comes to love and relationships, I seem like a cool outgoing gal in the beginning. All fun, all dreamy, deep philosophical talks, long nights in bars. I jump into lakes with clothes on (it was daytime, we didn ´ t want to get arrested for nudity). I dance on the streets after watching La La Land (gosh I love this movie). But as soon as I catch deep feelings and decide I really want to spend my life the machinery of anxiety starts moving and my severe fear of loss starts showing.
I am very loyal, if you are too. I am fair and honest and never want to hurt one μg of feeling in the world, never. If I do – which does happen – I am just insecure and hurt and hope it helps to be overly clear. But I also love to dream and I dislike if anybody takes a needles and pushes it through the skin of my balloon of dreams to make it pop. So I break, if my significant other would decide to leave me. Not only my heart bursts but my dreams and the future life I imagined to have.
The funny thing is, I know that my life goes on after the end of a relationship. I had a wonderful life as a single. “I don’t want to be alone, I want to be left alone.” (Audrey Kathleen Ruston-Hepburn). I once read this quote by this beauty and I felt it so deep. I love doing just what I want, no expectation, no one whose mood might be opposite of mine. I can go on walks or watch Gilmore Girls (for the millionth time) and drink a bottle of wine, while I look like a spinster. I loooove sitting in a café by myself and watch people, read magazines, and books or just stare. I am very amused by just being by myself. BUT I love love. I am a hopeless romantic. I love thinking about getting married next year. I believe that I have met the love of my life, no matter how hard it gets, we stick together.
Baggage and walls
Luckily I met a man who does not avoid my crazy bits, who loves me even though he knows about all of that. I remember, when we met that after one or two month he sat infront of me and asked me at what point I would decide to leave this whole wall behind me and want to show him the cool stuff behind the wall. I was confused and also offended. How dare he says I am not open, but damn he was right and I knew. I was so anxious about showing him the emotional bulk baggage, cause I was 100% he would leave me right away. But he did not, he kew he brings some big old baggage himself. It was a bit like in that one episode “HIMYM”, where everyone just ran around wit their baggage.
Long story short, we help each other carry and every now and then each one of us lets go of old suitcases. So romantic right? But let ´s get back to being alone and my fear of loss.
Fear and freedom
I dealt with my fear of loss so long in my life I one day decided I just want freedom back. If one of us one day decides this is not it, fear won ´ t keep us with one another. So I might as well not live in constant fear. If he decides this s not it, or he finds someone better (and there are tons of funnier, more intelligent, calmer, less complicated, more beautiful women out there), I will never want to be the woman who begs or makes him stay. Either you stay, cause you want to or you leave. It is still a process but it is worth it, cause it gives soooo much freedom and makes much more fun. So when he goes out with his buddies, I can either sit on the couch fearing him to make out with some superintelligent supermodel. But it is much more fun to just enjoy the alone time or invite someone over for food and drinks.
Wanna know where I have this wear fear from? maybe I tell at another point in live.