Disclaimer: I am writing abut my experience with depression and exhaustion syndrome. I am not a doctor or have a degree in psychotherapy or anything. This is just based on my experience and knowledge. If you feel you need help, please contact professional help like a therapist or a doctor!
Here I sit a week after my doctor told me I need to rest…again. It is only 3 months ago the same thing happened. I stood at home tried not to stress and calm the heck down…then after three weeks, I came back like a phoenix. Well at least an 80% phoenix, I tried working less. But what actually happened? I worked fulltime on four days. And the phoenix aborted it´s mission. Not a good idea for a former depressed person (or is it still depression?)
After 2-3 weeks we went on a two-week vacation, so that was fine. Our vacation was nice, I almost did not work. But three weeks post-vacation I sit here and cannot with this work-life anymore. And I am stuck, stuck with the feeling of failure and the never ending thoughts of why this happens to me. Stuck with this issue I feel I cannot solve.
What is your problem?
- I have a wonderful 2 year old boy, who makes it fairly easy to be parent. I mean, he can be a typical toddler, rotting my nerves. But overall easy going and fun and loving.
- My fiancé is the love of my live, enormously supporting and caring. He himself is entrepreneur of two companies. Boss to over 40 people and veeeeeeery ambitious.
- We are very lucky to both bring fantastic families into this who help out whenever we need help. Who support us emotionally and supporting with our son.
- I work in a company full of great people I truly care about and really like. They support me as well and during my dark times right now, they cover me, like it is the most normal thing.
- I have a nice house, enough room, heating, all the food I want, I live in a country, where women get almost every opportunity a man gets. I do not get discriminated (other than the usual woman based catcalling and stuff) or need to be afraid someone throws a bomb on my home or wants to kill me for my beliefs.
I guess I am one of those extremely lucky people in this world, having a safe and sound life. Well and still I am stuck in this burnout kinda thing. Hah, good thing, let´s give it a name. So my doctor calls it something like exhaustion. As I have a precondition (depression), I am no sure, if my doctors would diagnose me with burn-out (which is still not considered a mental illness by the way). Well lets call her some other name, how about Emmy. I like the name Emmy, maybe it helps.
Where does this come from?
I mean to get back to business, or not. I sometimes think I am nuts – which I am – but I mean nuts in the way, that I cannot really understand, why I am so depressed and tired with this life? So to dig deeper, I made a list of other settings in my brain that have been sticking around for quite a while. I will name them now, so in case someone reads this can find themselves, or maybe not. I will try to explain the issues in separate articles, as this one would just be much to long. So here we go:
- I try always o be better then the others in my peer group (mostly girls). I remember doing this with my sister, my classmates. I always thought other girls wee prettier, funnier, thinner, more loveable than me.
- Since I am working also with my colleagues on the same level. I always need to be a little bit better, make more profit, have more projects, have bigger projects, have happier clients, earn more money, have more responsibility and so on.
- I only feel worth through a lot of work and money. I cannot give me credit for anything I achieve other than business success (promotion eg.). Which is so much against my values. I actually think love, family and friends are sooo much more important than any business in this world.
- Everyone who really knows me knows I am overly sensitive. I say this, because, when you only know me on a superficial basis, you will think I am tough and so strong (maybe being soft is stronger by the way…) and this very straight to the point woman, who rocks all of those feminism things she preaches. People think I have my shit together and that I have control over my life…gosh are they wrong…
- A sideeffect to sensitivity I am extremely attentive. I overthink, because I capture every little thing you say or do and try to find the spot that is my fault in this. You say something that could be mean, but is not. I would find all the possible ways of interpretation. I also run around the world and almost take a look at every person trying to figure out, in which situation they are. Do you know those people who run around not being nice to anyone, bumping into people – I am the opposite, but it kills me inside.
As well as
- Overthinking (about everything that happens around me (see above)
- Anxious including panic attacks (lose loved ones mostly, but also terrorist attacks, being catcalled/raped at night, not being able to take care of my child and so on)
So these issues all come along my depression/because of my depression, which seems to be normal obviously. But enough for now. This is a lot for this article. I guess I need to go deeper into the written above and might correct throughout my way back to whatever it is.